Honey had his MRI and appointment with DrC Monday night and Tuesday morning of this past week.
I should have updated the blog then. I am sorry for having worried anyone who reads regularly.
(I am speaking directly to my lovely sister and mother-in-law as well as my mom. I know it makes you anxious when I am remiss in calling and/or writing.)
The MRI was at 8:00 Monday night. DrC was Tuesday morning at 8:00. (Have I mentioned that it takes us an hour with no traffic to get to MDA?) Masochistic bastards.
Everything went well enough with his appointments. This was his 31st MRI – if anyone is counting.
It seems that my “feeling” was kinda’ off. Carboplatin/Avastin cocktails seem to be staving off new growth in Blob. It doesn’t appear to be shrinking Blob at all, but I will take status quo over a less pleasant alternative.
I had mentioned before that Honey didn’t experience any tooth pain following his last Carbo/Avastin chemo. I thought this meant that Blob wasn’t shrinking (I do believe I was correct there); I am so relieved that he also doesn’t appear to be growing.
So, chemo was on Wednesday last week. Since forever, chemo has been on Tuesdays – just setting the stage here….
My job, the whole meaning in my world right now is to keep the family schedule. Since I am the only driver in the family, it all falls on me. That means I drive to and pick up T from school, I bring Honey to all his appointments, I pick up G & C whenever they are scheduled to be with us and run any/all errands.
Chemo is supposed to be on Tuesdays. Last week it was on Wednesday. I had no idea how much on autopilot I’ve been moving.
That one change and my world fell apart.
I blew my schedule and couldn’t get it back all week. We were supposed to have our weekly lunch at Chipotle’ with friends on Wednesday noon. That didn’t happen – we blew them off without even a call. They came to pick us up, we weren’t home. I was supposed to be at FPU on Wednesday night; that didn’t happen either. Thursday I fell asleep reading in the afternoon and napped until 3:20 (I usually pick T up at 3:10) so I was late for every other thing all evening. Friday was an early release day for T so that changed things up a bit.
After I picked T up, I went to do my weekly couponing-grocery shopping (because I didn’t get on it earlier in the week). I pulled down my list from Grocery Game, then spent two hours clipping coupons and making sure that I had them in order and “knew” what to do with them. I then proceeded to spend over an hour shopping, getting everything on my list, found the least horrible looking line and checked out. Only problem being (and thank goodness I noticed) was that the sum-total after coupons was not at all in the range I had expected… Clearly I had screwed up yet again.
Rather than harass the clerk, I pushed my happy way over to the customer service desk where we then checked the prices on every item that was supposed to have been on sale. Unfortunately (for me and the customer service rep) the Grocery Game combined last week’s and this week’s Randall’s sale circular. So not fun.
Today is Saturday. I am getting back on track. This is a child-free weekend for us so I have less responsibilities, all I really have to do is clean up the house. Even that seems like too much sometimes.
All it is is a schedule. It is ONLY a schedule. I keep telling myself.
What I feel is that I have dropped all the plates I was spinning. I was not successful at keeping the schedule. I have failed.
I have been chatting recently with a friend from high school about working with children with emotional disturbances. I told her that she need not beat herself up and to remember that EVERY day is a chance to start again. That we can, must really, let go of whatever we are holding onto that prevents us from doing the best that we can by our loved ones.
I talk the good talk.
I am failing to walk the walk.