It happens all the time – I have yet to figure out why I never realize until I am in the thick of it.

My intention is to be proactive. My actions feel way more reactive, though.

I have extensive education and experience dealing with emotional/behavioral issues (in OTHER people)

I am supposed to be the expert here.

Bah.

I keep getting all wrapped up in what is happening this moment and forgetting to wholly BE IN the moment.

I am fairly certain that one day I am going to regret having been nit-picky over things like this.

Fact of the matter is that I am learning this job as I do it. It is totally a trial by fire. I’m sure I’ll be great at being a caregiver when it is no longer relevant – either that or I’m gonna hafta change my career path to utilize newly acquired skills.

Bah.

I feel that I need to make this time with Honey perfect. I am not really joking when I say that we are enjoying our retirement now. We are doing things pretty much in reverse order and that is okay. Most of the time.

It becomes an issue when I forget that I am staying home with my HUSBAND and not with a ward. It is also an issue when he forgets that I am his WIFE and not just the person who happens to be in charge of the house. Do you know what I mean? I hope you don’t actually, but I’ll bet you can imagine.

This is my our current WTF? issue: I know that Honey wants me to be happy. I know that he actively tries to contribute to my happiness. And I know that I am a not nearly as easy to please as I think I am. I just really, really feel like I just can’t leave the house anymore. Note: I said that I “feel” this way. This is not necessarily the way things are.  I am starting to feel isolated. Probably closer to the truth to say I have felt isolated for a while now, I am just now realizing the psychological impact that not seeing other grown-ups on a daily basis has on me. (I have also seriously curtailed the time I am on the phone further isolating myself)

In addition to my own independence problems, Honey is still having his abandonment issues. He doesn’t want anybody but me to be taking care of him. Except for the week following chemo, he really doesn’t need all that much caring for, which is good.

What isn’t good is that lately, when I try to do things that don’t involve Honey, he has a crisis.

scene 1: I had to phone in an order of Easter ham (the first time I had been on the phone in at least three days). As soon as I started talking to the Ham rep, Honey had to start in on T and then NEED me to intervene to solve their disagreement right then. It feels rude and awkward to be redirecting the Y-chromosomes especially when I am on the phone trying to conduct business.

scene 2: I am on my way out the door for Dave Ramsey FPU, T is still eating dinner, Honey starts walking around asking, “what is T’s homework? What is T’s homework?” T can certainly pull out his own assignment, however Honey was still panicking. And he expects me to fix whatever is wrong.

scene 3: On my way out the door to attend a care givers conference (irony galore) he tells me he will be driving the kids to the store while I am gone.This definitely needed my attention immediately – causing me to be 10 minutes late to the first session.

The bubble in my frustration level hasn’t been as centered as I would like lately.

Honey is creeping up on that place usually reserved for sick or tired children. You know that place where they need just slightly more from you than you have to give…

The next stop on that train is burn out. There are things I would like to do… I was gifted a two-hour massage; I would like to go get it. I am wanting to go to Austin to rally for the War on Women on the 28th, but I imagine myself half way to Austin, receiving a phone call telling me that I am needed – or that I am not really needed, but that there is some catastrophe that can only be resolved by me running interference.

Bah.

Happy Easter. May you enjoy the absolution of your sins.

It happens all …

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8 thoughts on “It happens all …

  1. Shari Wood-Merriam says:

    I love your honesty and self awareness. If you can think of ways we can be a prt of this, PLEASE tell us. I know that telling us is sometimes more work than doing without, but if you tell us once, maybe we can participate week after week.
    A lot of women will be in Austin April 28. As a gift to yourself, you may have to let your sisters carry that battle. But do whatever feels right for you.
    Lots of hugs to all 5 of you!! XOXOXOX Shari

    • nenn1146 says:

      You guys already do so much. I totally appreciate you like you would not even begin to believe. You and Rud have become an integral part of our community and we love you.

  2. Kristin says:

    Thank you for your honesty….. And while I have not experienced this particular relationship in a caregiver role, I have experienced being a care giver, and I have experienced very similar feelings……
    All I can offer is … I HEAR YOU…..
    And the only words I can use to encourage you with are – just get through today….. Many times I have had to tell myself that I only need to get through today…. that’s it….. One step in front of the other….
    I wish I could help…. I do, I do.
    xxx
    K.

    • nenn1146 says:

      I often think of your situation specifically when I am feeling run down. I hope that we can both be inspiration to each other. Love you. Appreciate your strength and support.

  3. susan says:

    I understand take care of yourself. Love mom

  4. Jennifer Johnson says:

    Thinking of you 🙂 You are not alone. It is always hard to squeeze in “me” time when others depend on you constantly. That’s why I appreciate time in the bathroom more than I should.(hehe) (it’s the only place and time I am left alone) —Miss you,

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