Mmmmmmmm (so not) Okaaaaayyyy

I don’t know whether I am pissed, seriously fucked up or scared right about now. Probably a good chunk of all three.

Sounds kinda dramatic, huh?

I might be pissed because:

Our Internet has been spotty at best for the past two weeks. This week, I haven’t been able to get on at all. Every freaking time I look at the stupid little box with the 5 stupid little green lights they are instead one orange light and some blinking green ones. Comcast was supposed to come by yesterday – but apparently they found something better to do. Bastards. We are rescheduled for tomorrow. We will see.

In order to write at all, I have had to come to Starbuck’s (which is not bad in itself) but I have one of those “I-am-going-to-argue-my-Christianity-loudly-on-the-phone-while-you-are-trying-to-work-people” and Oh My Goodness do they irritate the fuck out of me.

Shit. Shit. Shit Shit

Phone guy just started in on another on of his “hear me outs.” I didn’t. I didn’t hear him out. I picked up my stuff and came inside – however, prior to coming inside I did tell him that a Christian doesn’t spend 25 minutes trying to convince someone that he is right when he had made a mistake. He simply says, “I’m sorry,” and gets on with it. NFF. So NFF.

I might be totally fucked up because:

I completely got off track after I took Honey’s meds by mistake the other day. That night I fell asleep without taking mine – skipped the next morning because…. ummmm…. no reason – maybe my subconscious mind was playing with my body. That’s as good an excuse as any. Then I took T to the pool during prime sun hours (say it. I know you want to. I also know I deserve it.) So, super sunburned, fell asleep on the chair again did not take night-time meds. (You have NO idea the testament this is to my family. I might’a kicked me out by now.)  This morning, when I saw the backlog of pills in my little-old-lady week-at-a-glance pill dispensers, I decided to try to rectify the situation. I took Weds night’s dose this morning, Thurs morning’s at lunch time and was planning on trying to squeeze another session of meds in sometimes later during the day to really catch up, when I realized that I was getting so manicky that I wasn’t able to make good decisions. I chose to wait til actual bed time to take the next dose of night drugs. (see how that works – made a good decision there!)

I want you to know that I took all those meds not just b/c I am stupid, but because every nerve/muscle/sinew in my being hurt. I had missed more than 24 hours worth of my Lyrica (science’s gift to fibromyalgia) Nortriptyline which gets me to REM sleep when taken at night, and thus allows my body to heal itself – but when taken improperly makes me manic. Oops. On top of that I have doubled up on my Prozac. So, I have a pretty powerful sedative fighting it out with a heavy weight upper. Bad day.

I may be scared ‘cuz:

I have no idea what will happen with Honey’s care. All I know is that we should hear something soon enough. Honey has said I may start calling SN and hounding her after four weeks from his last appointment. I am so scared that we are going to have a replay of last Sept/Oct. And ya’know, that’s not a place I especially want to go

I don’t like to not know what is coming up next. I remember pissing my mom off because I would keep asking, “then what?” or, “how long?”. I have always been that child. My ability to arrive someplace on time is questionable, but you can be reasonably certain I will be there. Maybe I am a little bit of a control person. Maybe. Maybe I need to learn how to let go and not worry. I have a number of books that would be more than happy to teach me their particular method of finding solace. I just don’t know if I am there yet.

Love you (and my own nuttyness)

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2 thoughts on “Mmmmmmmm (so not) Okaaaaayyyy

  1. Shari Wood-Merriam says:

    You are doing the best you can under rotten circumstances. Cut yourself some slack. Breathe! We love you and Morgan. Shari & Rud

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