My Honey is Gone

Last night (1/22/2013 @ 11:31pm) my Honey left to pave the way for the rest of our journey. He told me he would wait for me.

He went quickly – only three hours of hell, for me; the Hospice nurse assured me that he wasn’t feeling pain. I’m sure she is right, he was pretty loaded up on morphine.

He didn’t seem afraid at all. I knew he wouldn’t be. We have talked often of the soul that this body houses. About what it means (to each of us) to BE and to be BECOMING. He has been, he is now, he is becoming always.*°

At the very end, I crammed into the bed with him and held him. A position we have shared on many of our hospital getaways, so I was really quite comfortable. Really. So comfortable that I fell asleep holding him.

Apparently this was what he had been waiting for, because he began his slumber at the same time that I did.

I remember looking at the clock at one point and thinking SK should be driving here with my mom by now. Then I rested my head on Honey’s chest and dozed off.

I woke 20 minutes later to the sound of the Hospice nurse calling in Honey’s passing. Everything else was so quiet, almost preternaturally quiet. It took just a second for me to realize that I was no longer hearing the tortured sounds of my Honey trying to breathe. He was quiet. He was peaceful.

I need to thank Cyndi and Mary for being by my side and for singing “Spirit of Life” as the end came nearer.

My Honey waited until after his family had left to return to their respective homes before he let himself rest. He worked so hard at making his death easier for everyone else… I worked so hard to make his dying easier for him. I promised I would take care of him. I did my best. It wasn’t easy, but I did my best.

I miss him so much already. I keep turning to comment on something or other and he isn’t there to laugh with me.
Sad, sad, sad.

* use of gender specific pronoun for convenience and consistency
° used as a means to pacify the UUs out there on the fringes who are correcting my lack of gender neutrality as they read

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3 thoughts on “My Honey is Gone

  1. Judy Bunch says:

    thank you for sharing those final moments. Wish I had been there too, but know my heart and thoughts have been with ya’ll during this struggle. Love you,

  2. Dorothy Kennedy says:

    Sad, sad, sad is right. I know exactly what you mean about turning to talk to someone who isn’t there.

    I hope you will keep blogging, maybe with a different title. You have such a distinctive voice, and I love reading your words. Writing can help with healing, too.

    I’m thinking of you continuously and hoping that peace will find you. Much love to you.

    Oh, and which would you prefer, chocolate chip cookies or brownies?

  3. Faith Doucette says:

    Jenn,
    My dear sister. I so deeply wish I could be there holding you. I’m so sorry for your loss and deep sorrow. As I was once told, “true grief is conflicting feelings.” I know you must be experiencing many feelings, on many levels. As painful as it can be, I hope to encourage you to let the feelings, tears, and emotions come. The greatest struggle may be to hide or rush yourself to avoid more pain or even times of greater outpourings of emotions. Steer clear of those that try to rob you or rush you through the process. Healing comes in time, not with quick fixes of busyness, avoidance, replacers etc.
    Knowing nothing of the pain of your sufferings past and present, but knowing the One who does. The greatest comfort can be found in falling into the arms of the One who suffered all there is imaginable to suffer. He took on every pain and sorrow known to man, everything that had happened and would ever happen. He suffered the mental. emotional, physical torment of every wrong/evil that man could muster by having it put on Himself. He allowed it all to be put on Him. He did this to prove his love for you. He didn’t deserve any of it. He did it to take the consequence of wrong doings we would all commit against each other, the earth, ultimately Him. He took it all, even to death, the worst death one could die, so you, Jenn, this day in history would know, He loves you, and He understands your pain and suffering better than anyone. He died so He could lift this burden of death from you. He died to conquer the pain death brings to us once and for all. And He did it!
    The best part of the story is that it wasn’t the end. He then,as promised,used His power to rise again, to life, a new, restored, eternal life, and is alive a present today. He promises to do the same work in you. He has the power to give new hearts and lifes to all who believe and receive this gift He gives. Here on this side of eternity and beyond. The gift of new life in Him.
    He knew and knows the pain of death, the pains and sorrows of this life are more than the human heart can bear, alone.
    He gives each of us the choice to trust our heart and life to HIm. He offers to carry it as He did the cross, on his shoulders.
    I’ve known Jesus to offer the ultimate comfort, and in suffering, you have the greatest opportunity to experience His love, power, grace, and healing.
    My heartfelt prayer is for Him to give you the faith and courage to find your rest in His arms. He is and I continue to know Him to be: Saviour, Lover of our souls, Provider, Comforter, Healer,Faithful Father, Husband, and Friend.
    As a reminder, I’m not on Facebook and don’t have the option for texting on my phone, so I hope that you will call me, whenever you need a heart with ears. I pray that I can offer you comfort that you need at that moment. He is faithful, yet I am still human. We, your family and our extensions are praying for you, and the hearts and lives of your precious son and stepsons. Please let me know if you need anything.
    I love you so much.

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